Kouga and The Egg Nog, and Among Other Things
by Krys-chan-sama
Summary: I'm not dead! It's just that somebody begged me to write more chapters of this fic...so...here.In Loving Memory of Cosmic Castaway's Lemon: Wolf Cry
1. Kouga And The Egg Nog!

Trilogy: The Scary Stories that You Probably Don't Wanna Read....  
  
By: *Sadly* Crystal Princess Ranma  
  
Before you Read: I would like to put in, that I was forced to write this trilogy by Cosmic Castaway. SHE made me do it! It was her! I mean, we're just sittin' there in the grass, and she mentions something about Kouga and Egg Nog. The next thing I know, I'm bein' begged by her to write a story about him screwin' it, or somethin' along the lines of that... Please, don't shoot me! I'm just Cosmic Castaway's minion-person! I was hog- tied! HOG-TIED! She theatened to rip my pants off! (In fact, she nearly did!) "The elastic string! I wanna pull the elastic string thingy! Who gives a damn if your pants fall off? At least I'LL be happy!" My poor pants! Damn you, Shan-chan, DAMN YOU!!  
  
Chapter 1: Kouga and the Egg Nog (Why Egg Nog, of all the god-damn drinks?!)  
  
  
  
  
  
It was around Christmas time, I guess, and Kagome had just finished watching the 1st Season Of Ranma 1/2, (ON VHS!) and was getting kinda restless. She walked in her kitchen, wanting to grab a snack, but only to find Kouga sitting in a stick mess of--Egg Nog...  
  
"Nani? Kouga-sama, what are you doing in my kitchen?"  
  
"What does it look like I'm doin'? I'm drinkin' your egg nog! How come we don't gots this stuff in the Feudal Era?"  
  
Kagome twitched. Not only was Kouga sitting in the middle of her kitchen floor, drinking egg nog, but he just had to have been wearing a T- Shirt that said "I love Grass Stains".  
  
"This stuff is real good, Kagome-chan! Want some?"  
  
"What I wanna know is how did you get here?"  
  
"It was the Egg Nog, that brought me here...I love this stuff!" Kouga took another gigantic gulp, and smiled. "If only I had some Yaoi, to go along with it!"  
  
"What exactly have you been doing with it? You haven't been screwin' the poor Egg Nog, have you?!"  
  
"I'M NO STOOL PIDGEON!"  
  
"I know you're not, Kouga-sama...it's just that...you and the egg nog...in that position...it's scaring me, and it's just plain...wrong..."  
  
"Well, maybe I'm ATTRACTED to Egg Nog, okay?"  
  
The ninth-grader flinched. "A-attracted to egg nog? NOW, that's just creepy." She helped the wolf-youkai to his feet. "Maybe you should go back to the Feudal Era." she told him. "I really can't assist you know, seeing that Ji-san, is having convulsions, after we went to the circus on Saturday."  
  
Kouga looked at her. "What happened at the circus, Kagome-chan?" he inquired. She gave off a nervous laugh. "Well, um...on Saturday, we all went to the circus, and Ji-san was provoking the clowns, until one bit him..." she trailed off, then started up again. "...ever since then, he's been lying in bed, saying "'Floo-Floo, the clown.' He's really shook up about it..."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Upon seeing that they was no food, Sango really started to get nervous. "I have to have something to eat." she rocked back and forth. "I'm not the type of person to be fasting. I'm s'posed to be a Youkai Tijiya, right?" she asked herself. "But there's not a single thing to eat around here." she looked around. She was in the middle of nowhere--worse, she was in the middle of nowhere with Miroku, who had obviously lost it, and was being reduced to marrying a fork...  
  
"Hey, it could have been worse." he said. "I could have married a spoon!"  
  
Sango shrugged. "He's got a point." she stretched. "But, I have more important problems, then if you should name you child, 'Gaylord', or 'Lesbiana'..." she stood up. "I need food."  
  
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw, a tall thick bag, of something. "Hmm?" she asked. "What's that?" she walked over to the item, and saw tht it was--Dog Food. (Mighty Dog, mind you Shan-chan).  
  
"Hey, Sango." Miroku called. "If your that hungry, maybe you could eat that dog food!" Sango growled. "What kind of fool do you take me for, bastard?" she glared at the American dog item, that mysteriously wound up in Japan. "There is no way, I am going to eat dog food, no matter HOW hungry I am!"  
  
  
  
5 Minutes Later...  
  
"I feel so used..." Sango cried. "I can't believe I--" she was cut short by a burp. "ate dog food!" She stared at her hands. "What kind of animal am I?!" Miroku chuckled. "Obviously, someone who just ate dog food in 5 minutes..."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
So, I haven't finished the whole thing...(Shan-chan sama'll be mad, and eat me...AND IT WON'T BE PLEASURABLE!) I'm still thinkin' this through...AND I'M TO DAMN LAZY TO EVEN START! I promise, Kohaku's gonna molest a hobo; Someone's gonna pop Shippou; Naraku's gonna get put in a zoo; Kaede's gonna be put in a Nursing Home; Sesshoumaru's gonna chaperone a fieldtrip to the Monkey Fair...the list pretty much goes on and on... 


	2. Pop! Goes the Sly Fox!

Trilogy The madness continues... ____________________________________________________  
  
::sigh:: I still don't believe I'm writin' this. It's STILL disturbing. And just plain wrong. Shan-chan, you moronic bitch, HOW could you make me write this?! Why do I have to be Shan-chan's victim? WHY?! I'm deletin' this in two days. I just can't take the humanity! You people should just take a look at the stupid list she gave me as guidelines! (They're funny, but pointless)! Anyway, on with the insanity...  
  
Chapter 2: Pop! Goes the Sly Fox!  
  
  
  
"Give me the Shikon Shards!" Shippou bellowed, lowly, spotting 3 tough men, who were obviously possesed. (Don't question me about how this happened. In fact, don't ask me ANY questions. I'm still trying to figure out why I'm friends with a 17-year- old hentai. I'm not in the mood). The 3 men laughed at the kitsune, the fact of him being in his 'bubble-ish' form. "What the heck are you s'posed to be?" one said. "Bubble gum?" A man holding a sword shouted, "Let's chew him up, and spit him out!" Another guy hiccuped. "Nah, he's too big. Let's pop him!"  
  
"This isn't fair!" Shippou yelled, floating slowly, as the men chased after him. Course, they weren't exactly on his heels...more like, falling over each other, laughing hysterically, for no damn reason. (Okay, forget the 'possessed thing'. They had to be on crack...)  
  
Poor Shippou...I don't see why he couldn't just change his form, like he always does. (Oh, well...I have to stick to Shan-chan's guidelines anyway...) Shippou gets popped. I guess he ran into a tree with a branch ejecting from it. It could happen right? My only question is, Shan- chan...what happens to Shippou, if he gets popped by a random tree? Wouldn't he like, die, or something? What would exactly happen if, someone let all the air outta him? Wouldn't THAT be tragic? NO MORE SHIPPOU-CHAN!  
  
  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
  
  
"Hey, Kazuya! We got another loose monkey!" a worker from the local 'Physco Monkey' zoo, called. "Come pick him up, before he gets away!" he struggled to keep our dear friend, Naraku, on the ground.  
  
"Got 'em!" Kazuya yelled. "Let's take this monkey to the zoo!" Naraku squealed, from inside his cage. "I'll have you know, I'm a baboon, you incompetent jerk!" he rattled the bars, making realistic baboon-ish noises. "Call my mother! Call my lawyer! Call Rafiki! POWER TO THE BABOON! WE ARE ONE!"  
  
Obviously, he wasn't heard, on a count of 5 minutes later, he was in a cage, with a cardboard sign attached to it, in big black mispelled words: Do knot fead the babboon!  
  
Course, it wasn't SO bad, despite the fact of a 34- year- old Insane Isylum fugitive, came around saying, "I like your head" 9 times....  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well...I GUESS the story is progressing....right? Tune in for Chapter 3! And look out form my Gravitation Challenge: K Goes to Kindergarten!  
  
Ja ne! 


	3. Kagura and The Shopping Spree!

Trilogy  
  
by: Crystal Princess Ranma (Call me Krys-chan, okay?!)  
  
Yeah, Chapter 3...More insanity for ya...Kagura's goin' on a Shoppin' Spree, ect...Um, Shan-chan, I kinda lost the "list", and I'm STILL looking for it, so I'll have to write this, by memory...but, enjoy! I'm kinda scared to ask, but, are there ANYMORE screwed, twisted, and just plain fucked up stories, that you're gonna force me to write? (She'll probably be up all night, coming up with stupid/hillarious stories..."Ooh, ooh! I know! Jaken and Shippou go cliff diving...NAKED!") Oh My God, I just gave her an idea! Excuse me, I'm gonna go stone myself now... __________________________________________________________________  
  
"Um let's see, now...uh, I'll get Spongebob briefs, for Naraku..." Kagura growled, gripping the shopping cart, labeled 'Walmart'. "Damn him...why did it have to be a monkey, who holds my heart? A MONKEY!" she yelled, throwing her hands up in disgust, drawing attention. She quickly noticed this, and skidded away, blushing furiously. "Just once.." Kagura said. "just once would I like to give him some of my Fuujin No Mai. Just once!" She walked on, and sighed. "All this stuff, just for that monkey. I have needs and wants too!"  
  
10 mintues later, Kagura was being pampered in a nail shop, that smelled of crylic, and a bunch of Chinese people arguing about who was better-- Yin, or Yang. "This is the life." she said, yawning. "Who says I'm Naraku's keeper?"  
  
  
  
"I can't sleep." Kohaku spouted warm air upwards, that moved his jet- black bangs. He sat up from his tatami mat, and stretched. "I think I'll take a walk..." he stepped out on the cold sidewalk, bare-footed. He shivered, but kept walking. It was pitch black outside, so he couldn't see anything. Hell, there could have been a youkai or hanyou staring at him, and he wouldn't have noticed. At least he was a Youkai Tijiya, like his big sister, Sango. Course, he had no protection, in case that did ever happen, which was pretty likely, so, it kinda evened out.  
  
This scared him, the fact of a youkai, killing him, so he jogged, then the jogging turned into running. Unfortunetly, he was so busy, signaling out for youkai, and hanyou, he didn't see the rock in front of him, and tripped over it, falling at the feet of a drunkard. (You know, a hobo). Kohaku scrambled to his feet, spitting out "Sorries" and "I didn't see you"s. The hobo laughed, Courvosier on his breath.  
  
"Don't worry, I'm fine."  
  
Kohaku, who had his face toward the ground, looked to the man. He sputtered, blushing. "Y-your a h-hobo, aren't you?" he asked. The homeless man eyed the 11-year-old. "So you noticed?" the suspicious look, turned into laughter, once again. "Why do you ask?" "Um..." Kohaku twiddled his fingers. "well, I always wanted to..." he stopped, and gave out a nervous sigh. "This may be kind of weird, but I always wanted to...molest a hobo...ever since I was 6. I'd be my first time... Uh...you wouldn't like to volunteer... would you?" (I'm in my happy place, I'm in my happy place, I'm in my happy place...) The man stared at him for a second. Then smiled. "Sure!" he bellowed. "I've always wanted to molest a kid! Ever since I was about your age!"  
  
*Due to the many children that visit this site, I refuse to go ANY farther. Besides, they'd ban me from this site, if I did progress to the 'good stuff', anyway. I don't specialize in this area! Why have I reduced myself to sink down to HER level?! Before I met Shan-chan, I was a PURE child! Happy and free! But now...WHY?! I'm gonna have ANOTHER inappriopiate dream, about this kinda of freakish stuff. I mean, I can understand Kohaku and Souta, but a HOBO?!*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yeah, okay...um, that was...interesting. I think I'm gonna cry. I have very little sanity left in me, thanks to a certain HENTAI! But that's a different story. She's gotten through to one of my best friends! Now, she's all Yuri on me...and I think Shan-chan's after me, too...  
  
Shan-chan: Hey, Krys-chan...It's Playtime...  
  
WHY?! 


	4. The End Of My Reign For Now

Trilogy by: Crystal Princess Ranma  
Okay, people, LAST CHAPTER...um...Inuyasha Sniffs a Nun, Kanna Gets Lost In Toys R Us, Hiten and Manten Buy Pants, Sesshoumaru Chaperones a Kindergarten Fieldtrip, and Jaken Becomes a Slutty Pop Singer... ::sigh:: when will I be released from this hell? I guess I'd better stick to bein' Shan-chan's minion, who writes meaningless stories just for her sick amusment...seeing that my last attempt of writing a story backfired in my face...Course, sooner or later, I'm probably gonna be snatched from my bed, and confined to her room...Damn that closet of hers... ________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Sesshoumaru-sama!" Rin called from behind the demon. "What are we gonna do, today? Steal some more Shikon Shards?" she skipped along side him. Sesshoumaru didn't say anything. "Rin..." Jaken sighed. "How are we supposed to steal Shikon Shards, if we hardly know where we are?" he held his staff tightly, and smiled. "and if we were to plunder them, I would be Lord Sesshoumaru's pick." The little girl snorted.  
  
"You can't do anything, you stupid frog."  
  
Sesshoumaru turned around. "Rin, why don't you go play with those children, over there?" he asked camly, pointing to a group of kindergarteners in a nearby field. "no need to get mad over something so trivial." he looked to Jaken.  
  
"We both know he's worthless."  
  
Rin smiled, and obeyed him. She ran off, shouting at the top of her lungs. Jaken sat on grass, in the shade of a tree. "Must she be so rude?" he asked, looking to his master. "She is but a child." he told the frog. "She cannot help it." Jaken grunted, and he and Sesshoumaru stared at the field in silence. After awhile, they could both see that Rin was coming back. "Sesshoumaru- sama!" she called to him once again. "Sesshoumaru-sama, those kids over there want you to help them." she pointed to them, all waving. The demon followed Rin, and were greeted by a teacher. "Hi." she told them. "So, you're volunteering to chaperone this fieldtrip, huh?" she asked. "We're one person short." she smiled, handing him a stack of papers. "Would you please sign here?" she told him, pointing to the 'X'. "And here." she said again. "Here too."  
  
2 minutes later, 2 buses arrived, and circled around the field. "Okay!" the teacher shouted. "Everyone on the bus!" the little kids did as they were told, and climbed aboard. "Thanks for chaperoning." she told Sesshoumaru. "Rin, you go on too." she scooted her to the bus. "We're going to The Monkey Fair, to visit the rabid monkeys!"  
  
_______________________________  
"Hiten-anchan, where are we?" Manten asked, looking around the strange place. "Super Target." Hiten answered. "You and I need a pair of pants." he said, looking around. "But, Hiten-anchan, don't you have pants already?" Manten said, examining women's underwear, stretching them out. Hiten sighed. "We need more than one, you know." he said, eyeing some leather pants.  
  
"What about a shirt too?"  
  
Hiten smirked. "No." he said, flatly. "I only have 20 bucks, you know." he leafed through a rack of extra-extra large pants. "You'd probably look nice in blue-jeans, Manten." he shoved him in a dressing room. "Put them on."  
  
Manten came out 2 minutes later, showing off his "outfit". Hiten laughed, and agreed. "Okay, we'll take them." Hiten discovered and bought a pair of Winnie the Pooh overalls. "Will that be cash, or debit?" asked their cashier, Chisato. "If you sign up for our no-risk trial, you can get 10% percent off on our rabid man- eating shrew."  
  
Hiten nodded. "No thanks." he said. "I think we'll just get the pants for now." he handed her his money, and grabbed the bag. Chisato frowned, then smiled. "Oh, okay...well hope you enjoy your pants." he drummed her fingers on the red desk. "Have a nice day, oh and...watch out for clowns." she said, whispering. "They steal sea-monkeys, and underwear."  
  
__________________________________  
"Where is he? I thought Jeffrey the Giraffe was s'posed to be here." Kanna clutched her basket, and kept walking. "This place is too big. How am I gonna find him?" she looked down aisle by aisle, and fidgeted. "In every ad I see in the newspaper, and in every Toys R Us commercial on T.V., Jeffrey the Giraffe is ALWAYS there. Why can't I find him now?"  
  
Her basket was getting kind of heavy to push, considering that she had grabbed almost every toy in the whole store. Even a "Gangster Bitch" Barbie Doll, complete with "Tupac Ken". (Gomen, I had to put that in there, it's one of my "special words" that I constantly use. Ignore it...) She looked out of a nearby window, to see that the sun was setting. "I've been here 3 hours, and I don't see that damn giraffe! This isn't fair!"  
  
"Attention ladies and gentlemen. It's 6:00. Closing time." A woman spoke over the loud P.A. system, trying to be heard, despite the friction. "We will re-open tommarrow at 10:00 p.m. Have a good night."  
  
Kanna twitched. "Closing time?" she repeated, dumbstuck. "You mean I've walked around this stupid store, since 3:00 p.m., and it's Closing time?!" she clinched her fist so hard, her knuckles became white. "Stupid giraffe..."  
  
As the last child exited the toy store, the lights dimmed, then went out. "Eh?" Kanna inquired, looking around, in the darkness. "Uh, is there anyone out there?" she called, trembling slightly. "Hello? HELLO?!"  
  
________________________________  
"Kagome? Where the hell are you?" the half-demon asked aloud, in hopes of getting an answer. "I don't believe this..." he grumbled.  
  
"Where IS that bitch?"  
  
Inuyasha crawled into town, nose on ground. "Feh." he said, lowly. "This obvoiusly isn't working." Still, he kept crawling, undiscouraged. He was still on the floor when he bumped into someone, seemingly taller them him. "Hmmm?" the demon asked, standing up.  
  
A Nun.  
  
A nun was smiling warmly at him. "God Bless You!" she said, holding out her hand--which Inuyasha refused to take. She raised an eyebrow, and kept talking. "Do you have any money for charity?" she took a basket from the tiny table, that was set in the back of her. "You know...yen." Inuyasha pushed the basket away. "Sure, Kagome." he said. "Like I give charity. I'd rather take it!" he smirked, and pulled the nun by the arm. "Let's go!" the hanyou growled. "The faster we find the Shikon shards, the faster I can become a full demon!"  
  
The woman widened her eyes, and tried to release her arm out of Inuyasha's grasp. "Now, see here!" she yelled. "I'm not the 'Kagome' person, you speak of. Now unhand me, you monster!"  
  
"Stop being so impossible!"  
  
"Impossible?!"  
  
"C'mon, bitch!"  
  
"WHAT?!" The nun stared at him, mouth gaping open. "How--how dare you!" she screamed so loud, it even scared the youkai. Her face turned dark red, as she closed her eyes, and began to talk in hebrew. She then re- opened her eyes, yanked her arm out of Inuyasha's hand. "You're possessed!" she growled at him. I'm NOT this 'Kagome', you speak of, now would you please leave me be?"  
  
Inuyasha twitched one ear, in confusion. Maybe she WAS telling the truth. She might not be Kagome. There was, he knew, one way to find out.  
  
"Hold still."  
  
"Huh?" the nun asked. "I thought you were going to leave, and keep your devilish thoughts to yourself."  
  
"HOLD STILL!"  
  
Inuyasha stuck his face out to the nun. His nosed wiggled and twitched. He repeated the process for approximately 3 seconds, and made a face. "Jeez...you WERE right when you said you weren't that wrench."  
  
The old woman looked terrified, and flustered. She did the only thing she could think of at that point.  
  
She kicked him.  
  
__________________________  
The crowd could be heard from probably miles, as thousands of men, women, and children, all chanted. Signs and posters in glitter shone in the glare of the lights. Boys held up there staffs that were being sold at the front. Blimps flew high above the crowd's heads, with headlines. "Jaken Live!" or "Jaken, the Fantastic Frog! Live at the T.D. Waterhouse!"  
  
Inside his dressing room, Jaken was surrounded by make-up artists, and a stage manager, named "Ted".  
  
"Jaken, sir, the show starts in 5 minutes. Don't you want some...jock straps for that...unique outfit?" he asked, nervously, afraid to look at him. Jaken smiled. "No thanks, Todd. I'm goin' all out!"  
  
"It's Ted."  
  
"So what?" Jaken hopped out of his chair, and opened he door. "Now if you all exuse me, I'm going to go please some fans." With that said, the frog waddled down the stairs, and into the stage entrance door.  
  
"And now, it's time for what you've all been waiting for, the frog with the top-single hits, 'Frog Better Have My Money', 'Gay and Rainbows', and the remake of Michael Jackson's 'Beat It', which he has changed to 'Screw It', please welcome Jaken!"  
  
The crowd roared with excitment, as the frog stood on a spinning platform, singing "Romantic Peak"...  
*ahem* Yeah...It was a great night, until Jaken burst into flames, due to spontaneous combustion...You know, that wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. A little freakish, and wrong, but when I started, I thought it would have no facilitation, whatsoever. I thought I'd never say it, but I wanna make another! How 'bout...Souta...shoplifts a uneutered hamster! WOO-HOO!  
  
*****Krys-chan sama***** 


	5. The Saga Continues

Kouga and the Egg Nog:  
The Saga Continues...  
  
Before you read:Well, gee...look at this...your favorite minon is back with a whole new series of fun. Once again, I 've been forced to write this fic against my will, at the many risks of being kidnapped, once more. Join in with brand-new characters as they do useless and pointless activities, plus the latest threats from Shan-chan, who's making sure I follow up on this order. So, sit back, and let the insanity commense!  
  
*:+:*_______*:+:*  
  
Chapter 1:  
Flan Anyone?  
  
"Where's the Crisco?" Jakotsu helplessly whines, rummaging through the useless items, in hopes to find the Crisco Pam spray bottle. He bites his finger gently, squinting.  
  
"Anikiiii..."  
  
It was a certain fact to him that maybe Bankotsu would have already found the spray bottle, and was silently preparing the food in which indeed was flan.  
  
Jakotsu looks over slowly, and he spots the bottle sitting strategically three inches away from a greased small pan.  
  
Bankotsu, however was preheating the oven, and smiling to himself. Soon he'd be able to share his treat with the whole Shichinintai...if Jakotsu didn't get to it first.  
  
He turns around on the verge of a small chuckle, when a small light moisture hits his face. He realizes Jakotsu standing there, and the Crisco blurs into view.  
  
Ignoring this apparent mistake, Bankotsu slides the flan into the oven, and Jakotsu laughs.  
  
"Ban-chan!" he yells playfully, spraying nearly the entire bottle on his target.  
  
Of course, as you would all think, this obviously turns into what was dubbed the Crisco Fight. Finally after what seemed like forever, Bankotsu and Jakotsu rest, feeling quite wet and sticky, just as Jakotsu had planned...  
  
It was silent for a second before Bankotsu realizes he could be burning his food! He runs quickly to the oven, hoping he hadn't. Pulling it out, both Jakotsu and Bankotsu freeze. The flan was indeed crisp around the edges, but still intact.  
  
"Do you think..." Bankotsu starts, poking at it. "...we should try it?"  
  
"Of course, Aniki!" Jakotsu smiles.  
  
Bankotsu sighs, and takes a bite, slowly. His eyes widen with delight.  
  
"It's...delicious!" he laughs out, gleefully.  
  
Renkotsu, upon walking in, blinks, seeing the food that was on the stove, and both Jakotsu and Bankotsu covered in Pam oil.  
  
"Um...?" he stutters, wondering how he had walked in on such an awkward time.  
  
Jakotsu and Renkotsu smirk, both smashing the flan into the face of Renkotsu, chuckling afterwards. A muffled, "I hate my life" can be heard as he walks out without hardly making a scene.  
  
"Hey, it's okay Renkotsu!" Jakotsu shouts from behind him. "There's nothing wrong with being bald! Really!"  
  
"I'm Mr. Clean's Stand-In!" he yells back, obviously offended. "Get it right!" 


End file.
